Cast Of Characters

Considering that this blog is BRAND-SPANKING-NEW, I figured I’d let you in on the cast.

UmbahME. My name is Amber. I think I’m cool, but I’m actually not. I like to make stupid faces and have trouble looking at a camera straight-on. I photograph “Aggressive”, but as you will soon know, I’m actually “obnoxiously bubbly”.
EdersEDEN. EdenMonster is my amazing daughter. She’s turning 2 on July 30th and that’s the craziest thing ever. She’s gifted intellectually and, obviously, strikingly beautiful.

JeffJeffJEFF. Usually referred to as “Jeffers”, this is my boyfriend. He’s not Eden’s biological father, but he’s been around for most of her life, so he might as well be. He doesn’t let me take pictures of him, so I had to dig a cute one out of the annals of his facebook.

jurumJEROME. This is Eden’s biological dad. His involvement in her life is…flakey at best. But he deserves an entry. You’ll be hearing of him.

So that’s us. We love you already.


Long Distance Loneliness

So Jeff….he lives too far away from me. I see him MAYBE every 2-3 weeks, and then usually for 2-3 days. When he’s here, it’s amazing. He’s my best friend, he’s an amazing partner and I so wish he were closer. We’re discussing moving in together after I graduate, but that won’t be for another 8 months, then all the nonsense required to get me and my daughter across the state.

In the meantime, I miss him. Sure, we talk everyday, and we see each other when we can, but I still miss him. All my friends have been getting engaged lately, and it’s making me feel so…jealous. It’s not that I want to get married, because really I don’t care that much. But it’s not fair that they get to be with their chosen partners, live together be together, and I only see my chosen partner a couple times a month.

Our relationship is so strong, we’ve known each other for years and years, we’ve been there through everything. I know that we’ll make it through this long-distance insanity, but in the meantime…I’m lonely.

Someone Stop The Madness!

Seriously, what are we doing?
The First Lady’s new mission is to obliterate childhood obesity, the government wants to limit our sodium intake, they want to take the toys out of Happy Meals! Our country is getting fat and by god, the Federal Government is going to fix it!

Yes, childhood obesity IS a problem. This is the first generation of children to have a lower life expectancy than their parents. But is government intervention really the answer? Everyday, kids in america are being made aware that they are fat! And that the most important thing is to be thin! Younger and younger children are entering treatment for eating disorders, and every day kids are being constantly bombarded by negative body image messages. Children don’t understand that french fries are unhealthy because they’re high in saturated fat and too much saturated fat causes our arteries to become blocked and that causes heart attacks and strokes when we’re older. Kids don’t think about health, they think about size. French fries don’t clog our arteries — They make us Fat.

The government shouldn’t be taking the toys out of Happy Meals; the parents should stop buying them every day. McDonald’s isn’t the problem. A kid can eat a Happy Meal every now and again, and if a kid wants more than that, it’s up to the parents to set limits and say “no”. We need to be good role models. If we want our kids to be healthy and active, then WE need to be be healthy and active. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t cut it. I’m extremely aware of my attitudes about food and exercise and the way that influences my daughter. She notices EVERYTHING, so I am very conscious of the messages I send to her.

It’s not up to th e government to keep our kids healthy. As parents, that’s our job. We need to own it.

autobiographical diarrhea

* My name is Amber
* My birthday is March 31st…write it on your calendar. I’d love a pony.
* I have a toddler. Her name is Eden and she’s cooler than you.
* I’m very tired.
* My caffeine addiction has reached absurd levels.
* I have a team of doctors working ’round the clock to cure me.
* I’m in a committed, but long-distance relationship with a fledgling rock star.
* This is his band.
* I live in Iowa.
* I am recovering from restricting type Bulimia Nervosa
* Every day is a challenge, but I make it through
* Along with my eating disorder, I fight self-injury. It’s been almost three years since my last injury.
* I’m SO proud of my success.
* My daughter inspires me everyday.
* I’m lactose intolerant.
* I love mountain biking.
* And pilates.
* I dye my hair all the time, but it’s naturally strawberry blonde.
* I love to make crafty things.
* And to bake.
* Because I’m Martha Stewart in combat boots.
* I have apiphobia.
* Fuck bees.
* I love to paint.
* So does EdenMonster.
* I’m a big nerd.
* Once, I had a crush on a chiropractor.
* I drive a silver car, because I’m cool.

Sultan of Scream

It’s 5:00 pm.

I’m sauteeing things, boiling things, dinner time is fast approaching. That can only mean one thing….Eden needs a hug. And by “Hug”, I mean “Cling to Mama’s torso like a koala and refuse to be set down”. Not liking to be told I can’t hold her and cook dinner at the same time — EdenMonster goes into berzerker mode! Screaming, kicking, pulling on my legs so hard she literally pulls my pants down (yeah…I know…it’s funny). Through it all, I finish dinner and I strap my nutty child into her booster seat and hand her a plate. For the next 15 minutes, she yells, cries, and, in an attempt for sympathy, invents booboos to be kissed (she’s clever all right…I can never say no to booboo kisses). Thankfully, she eventually calms down long enough to scarf down 1100 pierogies and a grape.

All is right in the world.

During this 30 minutes, I learned 3 things.
1) I should wear belts more often.
2) I must stop buying ceramic dishware.
3) EdenMonster will one day either A) Sing for the Metropolitan Opera, or B) Front a grindcore band.

Girl’s got pipes.