Posts Tagged ‘ Maybe Babies ’

The List of 100 Dreams

At the suggestion of a recent issue of Whole Living magazine, I made my List of 100 Dreams. In doing so, it really helped put things in perspective. Made me see what is REALLY important to me.

1) Master knitting
2) Garden more, grow my own veggies
3) Learn to can said veggies
4) Pay off my credit cards and never get another
5) Learn Italian
6) Give up soda
7) Exercise daily
8 ) Do daily “gratefuls”
9) Go vegetarian
10) Embrace an earlier bedtime
11) Get my BSN
12) Take Eden camping
13) Run a half marathon
14) Read all the books in my library
15) Learn to sew
16) Achieve a healthy body weight
17) Volunteer at an animal shelter
18) Be a foster parent
19) Climb a mountain
20) Ride RAGBRAI
21) Own a small business
22) Open an Etsy shop
23) Tour the mediterranean
24) Get married
25) Have another baby
26) Go to the Smithsonian
27) Be an extra in a movie
28) Write a book
29) Restore an old house
30) Plant a tree
31) Lay in a hammock and drink an umbrella drink
32) Go on a cruise
33) Learn to speak Polish
34) Become an ARNP and work in oncology or hemotology
35) Learn to play the cello
36) Teach Eden to play the piano
37) Coach cheerleading
38) Go to a tattoo convention
39) Take a class in criminal psychology
40) Go to every state in the USA
41) Learn to surf
42) Go blonde
43) Be in a commercial
44) Go to a spa for a weekend
45) Go ghost hunting
46) Stay in a bed and breakfast
47) Plant a sunflower garden
48) Get a henna tattoo
49) Eat Belgian waffles in Belgium
50) Restore a classic car
51) Read Proust
52) Go backpacking
53) Make homemade candles
54) Try sushi
55) See Niagara Falls
56) Go skiing in Sweden
57) Learn to tattoo
58) Go to all the zoos in the midwest
59) Work at St. Jude’s
60) Start an advocacy group for suicide prevention and self-injury awareness
61) Take the exam to join mensa
62) Learn to decorate cakes
63) Tour castles in Ireland
64) Ride a horse on a mountain trail
65) Get a mohawk
66) Climb a tree
67) See Dracula’s castle
68) Illustrate a graphic novel
69) Campaign for a politician
70) Learn to crochet
71) Go snowboarding
72) Go to an IMAX movie
73) Be a contestant on a game show
74) Kiss a celebrity
75) Go rock climbing
76) Donate a gallon of blood
77) Do a voice-over for a cartoon
78) Write a song
79) Break a world record
80) Make and bury a time capsule
81) Do yoga in front of a waterfall
82) Help my parents open an orchard
83) Be in a musical
84) Be a girl scout troop leader
85) Learn to skateboard
86) Rescue a shelter animal
87) Go to Disneyland
88) Go bungee jumping
89) Speak at a conference
90) Be in an art exhibit
91) Be tattooed by Kat Von D
92) Go white water rafting
93) Invent something
94) Make a quilt
95) Visit the Crayola factory
96) Home brew
97) Inspire someone
98) Learn sign language
99) Walk my daughter down the aisle
100) Be happy


The prospect of having cervical cancer wears on me — like I’m losing something before I ever got it. The idea that I’m diseased and the only way to cure me is to freeze my cervix off or remove my uterus is frightening and immobilizing and my upcoming appointment has been a source of fear for the last six months.

Six months ago, my colposcopy showed precancerous changes of my cervix and now I’m going back to get it rechecked. Has anything changed in the last 180 odd days? Is it worse? Could it be better? What if it is worse and I need surgery…chemo? Will I ever have another child? Will Eden ever be a big sister or will my uterus have to close up shop?

It’s depressing. I’m afraid. I’m 22 years old and I could be facing infertility, menopause. Why? What have I done? I understand the prevalence of HPV and the symptomlessness of most strains, but I don’t understand why it had to happen to…me. Little Amber with her eating disorder, her brain tumor and her biliary disease — let’s give her some cancer too. We’ll just add another specialist to her phone book, no problem.

And my miracle baby…who’s very existence was a medical improbability. A major symptom of my brain tumor is decreased estrogen levels and infertility. My little angel Eden, who seemingly knew that I would lose my fertility at 22 and decided to come early. What does this mean for her? How do you explain it to a 2 year old, why her mom is so sick? I know I should wait until I know what’s going on, but I’m a planner…I must plan. I must have a game plan for when I find out I have cancer, so that I may be pleasantly surprised for when I find out I don’t. I try to stay positive, but it’s hard sometimes. But who knows…right? Eden could be a big sister after all.